She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
