4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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