The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
