last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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