Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
