don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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