I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
