found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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