Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
