Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize