Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
