I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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