The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Randomize
