just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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