So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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