no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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