The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
