Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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