just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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