Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
