grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
