I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
