Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
