the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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