Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
