you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
