I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
