Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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