Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
