Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize