i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
