I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
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