just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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