I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
