The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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