Soap is not a condiment
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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