my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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