I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
