apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
