seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
