Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
