I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
What a dumb baby whore.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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