Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
