Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
