twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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