I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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