I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
