My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
