Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
