sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
