Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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