he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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