omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
