He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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