i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
