let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
