I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
