she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Randomize
