mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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